Arthur Thacker Guide To Baseball

Baseball, that game invented by us Brits and played by Yanks who are too fat
and unfit to play football, basketball, hockey and do athletics. It's a
worldwide game played by people all over the world, though only in America,
where they pronounce themselves each year as "Champions Of The World". It's
a game little understood by us over here in this country, yet one with which
we should really become more familiar as more and more we are being taken
over by America. With Tony Blair licking George W Bush's arse, and with us
doing everything the Yanks tell us, it's high time we started getting
interested in this fascinating, exciting, thrilling and utterly
incomprehensible pile of bollocks. And so, for you all, I humbly present:

THE ARTHUR THACKER GUIDE TO BASEBALL

Pitcher: n. the fat bloke with the tash and gobful of Skoals Bandits or
other tobacco cancer-nurturing shite who stands on the mound and pretends he
can throw a fucking baseball. Pitchers are so shit at what they do that
people laugh at them, the fat fucks. Also, they can't hit the fucking ball
to save their lives, so they are not allowed to bat.

Mound: n. the lump of mud on which the pitcher stands. This is normally
because pitchers are only ever about five-foot-three and so they have to be
made to look taller than they are. Example: Al Leiter of the Mets is really
only four-foot-ten.

Sac fly: n. expression used to describe when a batter twats the fucking ball
high up in the air. This is to allow a runner to come in, or to make way for
some cunt who can actually hit the ball without skying it aimlessly
heavenwards. The sac fly was originally known as the sack of shit. "Did you
see that? Goddam it! He hit the ball right up and deep to centre field. What
a sack of shit." But this was changed due to the advent of televisions
coverage. I mean, it wouldn't do to have Bill Pidto coming on to say: "The
latest from Yankee Stadium, where Ken Griffey has just done a sack of shit
at the bottom of the fourth."

Mitt: n. the great big lump of fucking leather in which the soft bastards
catch the fucking ball. The mitt is the size of Rhode Island so that the
useless bastards don't fucking drop it. Why they can't just use their bare
hands like we do in cricket, I have no idea. Perhaps it's because they're a
bunch of soft fuckers.

JM: v. the verb to JM means to come out with a glaringly obvious statement
that even a five-year-old Down's Syndrome kid could see for himself. The
full expression is: to Joe Morgan, and comes from the former Cincinatti Reds
player and now commentator. Example: "The count is 3-2...if this next pitch
is a strike he could be out." Not to be confused with the other expression:
to JM.

JM: v. to make a glaringly obvious historical statement about the game of
baseball, and one that no fucker is even remotely interested in because the
person making it is clearly a self-indulgent prick. The full expression is:
to Jon Millar. Example: "I remember like it was yesterday when Bob Gibson
pitched a sinker for the Cardinals in 68...bottom of the fifth, bases
loaded. It rained that day and I had zucchini lasagne for lunch..." You
boring baldy headed old cunt.

Bunt: n. v. a pathetic and ponsified hit with the bat, causing the ball to
just trickle off about five yards away, hopefully so that the batter can
grab a flukey fucking base hit. A bunt is usually made by batters whose
cocks are very very small indeed. I mean...come one, it's fucking obvious,
isn't it? And the fact that bunt rhymes with "cunt" is purely coincidental.
Probably.

Designated Hitter: n. a variation of the English Cockney Rhyming slang,
rather like "apples and pears" for "stairs". Figure it out for yourself. "I
looked in on the Yankees dressing room today and saw Derek Jeter giving Paul
O'Neill one up the Designated Hitter." Otherwise known as Council Gritter,
Apple Fritter and Gary Glitter.

Gary Glitter: n. see above. Named after the seventies British Glam Rock star
Gary Glitter, whose classic track 'Rock and Roll' is still played at many
ball parks today, even though earlier this year he was sent to prison in
England for paedophile charges and once shagged a 13-year-old girl. Up the
Designated Hitter, I shouldn't wonder.

Strike: n. used to describe it when the batter, swinging aimlessly,
completely fucking misses the ball and makes a right daft-looking cunt of
himself. The reason for this is because they are shite, and so hyped up on
speed and acid that they can't see the bastard ball coming their way.

Ball: n. used to describe it when the pitcher, throwing aimlessly,
completely fucks up and the ball goes about twenty feet wide of the strike
zone. This is usually because they are shite, and so hyped up on speed and
acid that they can't see the fucking home plate in front of them.

Strike Zone: n. the area in which a pitched ball is allowed as a strike. It
varies in size depending on several factors - swing of the pitch, angle and
so on and so forth. It can be measured as the width of the home plate, and
from the knees of the batter to anywhere about shoulder level...or from the
floor to the fucking skyline and eighty feet either side, if the Yankees are
at bat. The fucking cheating twats.

Steal: v. to run from one base to another while the pitcher is otherwise
engaged - either pitching the ball or just scratching his bollocks through
his pyjama bottoms.

On deck: adj. otherwise known as "posing for the crowd". This is when a
player is about to go at bat, and he swings away while the crowd oohs and
ahhhs behind him, catching glimpses of his fat arse sticking out. Women are
particularly enamoured of this part of the game, as it gives them the chance
to see Derek Jeter's buns close up. Mind you, most Yank blokes get the same
sort of thrill when John Olerud is on deck. The bent bastards.

Home Run: n. otherwise known as a homer or homie by those quick-witted
intelligent Yanks. Highly inventive, that. The home run is that magical,
wonderful, ecstatic moment in any game when the batter gets lucky and just
happens to catch the ball right, sending it high and out of field of play. A
recent study showed that only 0.0001% of home runs were actually fucking
intended. What a jammy flukey shower of bastards.

Home Run Derby: n. a mid-season festival in which the top hitters in the
game are brought together to find out who is the best at hitting homers. But
it's not like in a proper game...oh, no. In the Home Run Derby, the ball is
thrown underarm by some fucking rookie cunt who couldn't pitch a hole in mud
from two yards, and the batters just slug away to make themselves look
thousands of times better than they actually are. For those unfamiliar with
baseball...imagine Pele and Maradona twatting the ball into an empty net
from three yards out...and you're pretty close.

Slugging Percentage: n. unit of measurement showing how good a player is at
bat. Yeah, right...like .23422. Fucking hell, that's really fucking great,
that is. What a fucking useless tosser. And for that as a career best he
gets a place in the Hall Of Fame. Ha! "Wow! What a guy! He hit the ball
..23422 times in his career! Gee! Wow! Awesome!" Fuck off.

Babe Ruth: rn. a great big fat lump of shit that couldn't run, couldn't hit
the fucking ball and was called "Babe" because he was probably a fucking
paedophile. Played in the film by John Goodman, who only just stole the part
from a fucking sperm whale.

Pinch Hitter: n. the inflection of the word should be read as "pin-SHITter"
because that's what they are: shit. This is the cunt who gets shoved in at
the last minute because he's only marginally better at hitting the ball that
the fucking pitcher.

World Series: n. a curious method, exclusive to America, of finding out
which team is the so-called "best in the world". Curious in that only teams
from North America can take part. Hmmm...so the world ends at new Mexico and
Canada, does it, you Yank twats? Fuck off. You do not go around telling
people you are the World Champions when all you've beaten is a few bum clubs
from your own country. Fuck that. You might as well beat up the unmarried
mother from next door and the old man down the street and proclaim yourself
as World Heavyweight Boxing Champion. I notice you never invite Cuban teams
to take part. And why is that? because you know they'd kick your arses,
that's why.

Walk: n. "He got a walk in the first innings and a walk in the second..."
And why is it called a walk? Have you seen baseball players run? Ha! Run?
Fucking waddle, more like. The fat bastards.

Bullpen: n. the place where all the shit players are kept to stop them
mixing with those who can actually play the game with a modicum of success.
"Eugene Twattenburg is warming up in the bullpen now." The bullpen is like
the room under the stairs where you keep all the stuff that's useless and
you're never going to fucking use anyway.

Knuckleball: n. a really crap way of pitching that fat blokes from the
bullpen are called upon to use to make a really tedious game come to a
shatteringly dull affair of excruciatingly monotonous proportions.
Conversely, when a knuckleball pitcher comes to the mound in a game between
the Devil Rays and the Diamond Backs, it's probably the most exciting thing
that's happened all fucking night.

O'Neill: v. to O'Neill someone is to give them a piercingly miserable scowl
that freezes them to the spot. Taken from the celebrated miserable cunt and
Yanks player, Paul O'Neill, who is without doubt the surliest, most sullen,
grouchy fucking black-faced bastard ever to play the game. "I could tell he
was in a foul mood - he gave a right nasty O'Neill when I looked at him."
"If he O'Neills me like that again I'll have to slug him one, the miserable
twat."

Henderson: adj. really really old and ravaged by time. Also: n. a lengthy
period of time measured in many many years. "My family have for generations
now - almost two Hendersons." Recent carbon dating techniques have shown
that Ricky Henderson is almost three thousand years old.

Right Field: n. often abbreviated to RF, which also stands for Really Fat,
Really Fucked, Rotund Fucker and Round Fuck. So called because that's where
all the fat bastards are put out to field, and because no cunt ever hits the
ball that way and so they don't need to get their lard arses out of first
gear. Yeah...like they could anyway.

RBI: n. abbrev. for Runner Batted In. This is the modern meaning of RBI, and
is used when a runner scores. It is believed that the RBI initials
originated from the shouts of batters and coaches as they watched fat
bastards wobbling their way round the bases: "Run you Bastard Imbecile!"
Though this has never been proved.

McGwire Neck: n. a physical condition whereby the sufferer looks as though
someone once set fire to his fucking neck, narrowly missing that part of his
chin where he can still grow a beard that looks like a woman's minge.
"Fucking hell! What did you shave with, a kitchen knife? That's a real bad
case of McGwire Neck you got there, son."

Pop: v. to pop up means to hit the ball high off the bat. An innocent
connotation of the word "pop", having little to do with anything even
remotely sinister. Isn't that funny? Because when Louise Woodward said she
"popped" Matthew Eappen on the bed, the prosecution turned it into a word
with heinously murderous connections, when in fact it is an English
expression meaning "to place" or "to put". Still, she got away with it,
didn't she? And there's one less ugly little fucking brat growing up right
now in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Next time you fuckers try to fit up and
English nanny with a murder that the parents probably did, make a better job
of it, eh?

Diamond: n. the field of play in a game of baseball. But it's not really
diamond-shaped, is it? It's a fucking bent square. Still, that would never
do, would it, to call it a bent square? You pretentious wankers.

Cy Young Award: n. an annual award given to the pitcher who was lucky enough
to pitch to batters who were the most tanked up on booze and sky-high on
narcotics. Who was Cy fucking Young anyway? I bet when he went for a piss he
splashed the fucking bathroom floor - though he hit the pan .54656 times out
of a hundred, so he must have been good, eh?

Error: n. a mistake, and not just when the fielder drops the ball or fumbles
on a play. An error can be, say, when the pitcher throws the ball and keeps
missing the fucking strike zone. Or whenever a batter swings his arms off
and falls flat on his arse because he couldn't hit a cow's fanny with a
banjo. Errors are the only thing that matter in baseball, because they are
what differentiate between the winners and the losers. Fuck all else
matters. I don't know why they bother with runs and hits and scoring; they
should award games on who got the fewest errors. "Final score from Turner
Field: Atlanta Braves 7,345 errors to 6,576 errors by the Baltimore
Orioles."

Grand Slam: n. a grand slam is when some jammy cunt actually hits the ball
when there are already three runners on base (see also: bases loaded), thus
allowing them all to run home and get four points on the board. Ahhh, here's
a logical game for you. Someone hits the ball out of the ground with no-one
on base and scores...1 point. Someone happens to spawnily twat it and it
bobbles about, then bounces up and into the stand, and everyone runs round
and they get...er...four points. Yeah, that's fair. Really fucking fair,
that is.

Bases Loaded: adj. as in a "bases loaded situation here". The bases are
loaded when three fat bastards have just about managed to hit the ball far
enough to get to a base each. It's a bit like being able to kick the ball
only about ten yards in football.

Catcher: n. the useless cunt who stands behind the hitter waiting for him to
miss the ball so that he can catch it in a mitt made out of three cows. The
Catcher wears armour plating that would shame a UN weapons inspector, with a
crash helmet, bullet-proof vest and a cage on his fucking head. And what do
wicket keepers wear in cricket? A fucking peak cap and a couple of shinpads.
Soft Yank bastards.

--
Arthur Thacker - Cunt Extraordinaire, 2003