Ten things you...

....didn't know about Newcastle United.

1. Among Newcastle United's famous fans are musicians Sting and Mark
Knopfler, actors Jimmy Nail and Dennis Healy out of 'Auf Wiedersehen Pet',
Prime Minister Tony Blair and the bloke what does the voice on 'Big
Brother'. Of these, only Sting has ever attended St James's Park, and that
was when nobody knew him.

2. Because of their black and white shirts, Newcastle United are nicknamed
"The Magpies", after the seventies children's television programme which
wasn't as good as 'Blue Peter'. Magpies, traditionally, are attracted by
shiny objects such as silver, which they steal and keep in their nests. It's
a pity Newcastle don't play like magpies, then, because they might have a
better fucking trophy room if they did.

3. Newcastle United haven't won a single trophy since 1968. Since then, man
has walked on the moon and we've changed currency twice. Nearly. Many
bookmakers have refused to take any more bets on whether or not they will
win another before Bobby Robson has fucking snuffed it. The old spunker.

4. Newcastle's oldest living supporter is Sammy Charlton, that old bag of
piss that used to be on Sky every fucking week a few years back. At 113, he
saw his first Newcastle match in 1898 at the age of eight, and can still
recall a time when they weren't completely shit. Riddled with Alzheimer's
disease and unable to speak properly, he still makes more sense than Bobby
Robson.

5. The home fans at St James's Park like to frequent the Gallowgate End of
the ground. This is so called because there used to be a gate there and a
gallows, from which rival fans would be strung up in the event of actually
daring to beat the home side. However, the gallows went missing in 1935
after a home match against Liverpool. As did the gate, which later
reappeared at Anfield as the Shankly Gates. The thieving Scouse bastards.

6. Newcastle's most famousest ever player was the legendary Jackie Milburn.
His nickname was "Wor Jackie" because every time he saw a woman he went
"Wor! Look at her!" He was also the uncle of England World Cup winners
Jackie and Bobby Charlton, though unlike them he wasn't a right miserable
cunt. He died in 1988 after inventing Paul Gascoigne and falling off a very
high settee.

7. Some of the greatest players of recent years have managed Newcastle
United, among them: twice European Footballer Of The Year Kevin Keegan,
three-times European Footballer Of The Year Ruud Gullit, World-Cup winner
Jack Charlton and record Scottish goalscorer and twice Footballer Of The
Year Kenny Dalglish. And yet between them they couldn't win their own club
raffle. Oh, and Ossie Ardiles.

8. Newcastle fans are some of the most appreciative, witty, knowledgeable
and obnoxious in the country, and they have a humorous habit of giving
nicknames to rival supporters. To Sunderland fans (their great rivals) they
refer as "Mackems"; Middlesbrough fans they call "Smoggies"; Hartlepool fans
are known as "Monkey-Hangers" and Darlington followers are called "Yorkshire
Fuckers". But perhaps the most witty and inventive nickname is the one given
by current manager Bobby Robson to perennial League Champions Manchester
United, whom he refers to as "You know...them...what are they called? They
play in red...no, not Liverpool...er...Man...er...Chester...that's
it...Manchesterfield Athletic Rovers..."

9. Former Newcastle striker of the 1930's, Hughie Gallacher, was one of the
most fascinating characters ever to play the game. A scintillating player on
the pitch, he was equally captivating off it. He took bribes, visited
brothels, played whilst drunk, punched managers, got arrested and finally
threw himself under a train at Central Station just outside Gateshead when
his career was over.

10. On the other hand, current Newcastle striker Alan Shearer is the most
boring bastard ever to play the game. A tedious twat on the pitch, he is
equally fucking mundane off it. He paints walls, creosotes fences, puts up
curtain rails, shelves and occasionally unwinds by listening to Dire fucking
Straits on his cassette player. Because he doesn't trust CD's. About the
only interesting thing he ever did was kick Neil Lennon in the cunting face.

Quality as ever you cunt.

I'm. In. Training. Building. My. Strength. Up. Getting. Fit. And. At. The.
End. Of. A. Hard. Session. There's. Nothing. Better. Than. A. Slab. Of.
Flame. Grilled. Shit. Slapped. Between. Two. Lumps. Of. Stale. Fucking.
Bread. From. McDonalds.