Chelsea Football ForumChelsea Football Forum. Discuss the Blues soccer. They have incredible talent and an imressive trophy case. They are however, seeking greater glory.
Take this simple 15 step quiz to see whether you've really got what it takes
to don the big yellow raincoat that blocks out the rest of the world from
the terrified existence that is life as ZAL;
1. You're spending another lonely Saturday night devoid of social contact
and contempleting how to spend your evening. In the end, you decide to;
a) Convince your significant other to head out for a romantic dinner and a
movie before putting it on her for a shag and falling soundly asleep.
b) Email Scoopex to see if you can finally manage to synchronize times so
you can catch up for that long-mooted bounce session at the Albert. Secretly
hope that Steven has the same idea about what makes for a good man bounce
session and vow to purchase a disposable tube of vegetable oil in case you
ever make it to the Albert.
c) Sit at home in your two by three meter office-cum-basement-cum-bedroom
posting utter dribble to compensate for the complete lack of social
interaction in your miserable life. Whenever challenged or confronted about
any of the moronic shite which dribbles constantly from your tiresome
mouth - head for the hills with your tail between your cowardly bow-legs and
claim you've killfaked the scary man...
2. Your all-time favourite country and western song is;
a) Shania Twain's Man, I Feel Like a Woman. As a rule, you can't stand
country music, but if you've got to listen to it, you may as well choose a
tune by a tasty songstress who you can tolerate watching in some tight
ass-hugging jeans and a loose-fitting revealling shirt.
b) Anything by Billy Ray Cyrus. You find his gyrations almost hypnotically
compelling and often go to sleep humming his tunes and pretending to run
your fingers through his man-mullet.
c) Kenny Roger's uncannily biographical Coward of the County. It's like he's
got a window into your yellow soul...
3. A fellow Usenet poster questions why you would claim to send your
children on a second cruise within two months in the middle of the school
year. Do you;
a) explain that regrettably, tight finances mean that off-peak is the only
time you can afford such an expensive holiday and you are grateful for any
time you can spend with your family.
b) insist that you a rich man with a beautiful wife and a first class
honours degree and that you will pull your kids (who definitely are NOT
imaginary) out of school whenever the mood takes you.
c) disappear like a cowardly rat up a drainpipe never daring to post in the
same thread again for fear of confirming everyone's suspicions that you have
have never had children, a well paying job, or consenting intercourse with a
member of the opposite sex, you fucking worthless coward...
4. A business trup necessitates that you spend two weeks overseas without
internet access or satellite TV. Do you;
a) Request that your boss put you up in a decent hotel that will provide
cable TV including live premier league games and wireless internet access.
Afterall, you're a valued and productive employee and you're sure he'll come
to the party.
b) An overseas working holiday? Heaven forbid! You are, after all, the
President-cum-CEO of the company - you'll pay one of your many lackys to do
the legwork on your behalf and sit at home eating crispy duck from Tesco.
c) Log on as Texlor and post incessant garbage in the instantly
recognisable, inimitable style that has become your shite-scared trademark.
All from the comfort of your mum's basement, which everyone knows you could
never leave for a second even if you wanted to, you cowardly, agorophobic
fuck.
5. You would best describe your upbringing as;
a) normal - the kind of carefree formative years and existence which leads
to a well-balanced personality and an appreciation for the rewards of hard
work and good living.
b) resentment over the indifference of your father which would later leave
it's mark via your stunted social skills and peculiar attraction to small
male marsupials.
c) Your mama named you Zally, but folks just called you yellow; You were
only 10 years old when your daddy died in prison. Kenny Roger's looked after
you, since you were his brother's son...
6. You find Georgeous George to be;
a) a repetitious bore - much the same as most people find him.
b) a like-minded Liverpudlian who you can tolerate in small-doses.
c) so Red-hot that you feel compelled to violently ram ten inches of your
man meat straight up his oft-pounded poop shute, obviously via five repeated
thrusts of your puny two inch cock, all whilst jamming your Steven Gerrard
replica doll headlong up your own arse to help you maintain something
vaguely resembling a credible erection. All before fucking off before he
sees your gleeful, terrified face...
7. Your fellow Mong Brother, Scoopex, has got himself into another fine
mess, this time coming in for universal criticism after belittling the
victims of the Munich air disaster and quoting sickening lyrics in a bid to
score some kind of imagined Usenet victory. Do you;
a) take the moral high ground saying that such comments are inappropriate
and indefensible and that Steven Jones does not speak on behalf of you or
any other true Liverpool fans - who would never stoop to such degenerate
levels.
b) offer some tempered online support, based on your belief that is every
man's right to say as he pleases in an unmoderated forum like Usenet and
exercise as little compassion, consideration or good taste as he sees fit.
c) Reply to his post with a "post of the week" award, before claiming a win
and that you have forced your sworn enemies to TILT before signing off with
a random, nonsense acronym and a misspelt LOL. All in accordance with the
terms and conditions of the Mong Bros Coward Support Pact you signed with
Steven Jones and Ted in '06.
8. Long-time Liverpool gay icon, Barry Venison is the subject of a "Win an
Evening with..." competition on [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]. Your fifty words or
less answer consists of;
a) Barry Vennison is a Liverpool legend who you would greatly enjoy talking
football with over a good meal. As an Anfield season ticket holder, such an
honour would form one of the highlights of your life.
b) As one of a declining number of living Liverpool title-winners, you'd
love to meet Barry, if only to get some suggestions of how best to apply
highlights to your receding hairline and accessorise your own rotation of
colourful jumpers.
c) declare that you'd gleefully swim through a river of a shit with your
mouth wide open, just to suck the cock of the last guy who fucked him up the
arse!
9. The mere sound of the words, "Bernie, Frankie, Aid or Metaphoid" makes
you;
a) break out into a discrete smile at the thought of your online rivaliry.
Even if your repititious blathering is no match for their witty banter - you
do enjoy the humour of the online sparring between fans of rival clubs.
b) Utter hatred. How dare they persevere despite failing to scan proof of
their season tickets to Anfield and post them on flickr before daring to
second-guess your claim that Jermaine Pennant is a better alround winger
than Cristiano Ronaldo. You'd have half a mind to belt them, if only you
were a bigger man...
c) Spontaenously piss your pants and start mumbling incomprehensively, you
lilly-livered, quivering poltroon.
10. After a pulsating first half of football, you line-up to buy a
refreshing beverage from the bar at Anfield and order;
a) A light strength beer and two diet cokes. You've got to drive home when
the match is done and the two kids will need a refreshment as well.
b) It's always a dilemna, but you usually fight off your instinctive urge to
buy half a glass of that oh-so-masculine cider and elect instead to go for a
nice cold Chang - the top-selling beer at Anfield. After all, a billion
other yellows can't be wrong!
c) At the ground? Unemployment benefits seldom extend to covering the entry
price at most Premier League matches - and even if they did, there's no way
you'd be going out in public with so many strangers! You're quite happy to
make do with a cask of fermented gerkin salt water to help ease into a
gentle slumber so you can briefly forget your meagre existence, if not the
gentle arse-grooves of your favourite rocking chair.
11. A fellow poster politely points out that you have mistakenly juxtaposed
the words "to", "two" and "too" on multiple occasions and offers to explain
the difference. Do you;
a) take his advice in stride, making a mental note not to repeat this
embarrassing gaffe.
b) instinctively go on the defensive, insisting that spelling is incidental
on Usenet, before signing off with an obscure acronym and a misspelt
repetition of whatever you bored poeple with in your last three identical
posts
c) take a quick visit to dictionary.com to confirm the spelling and usage of
such confusing terms, before high-tailing it out of the thread lest anyone
notice you've been challenged and pick up on your overwhelming cowardice
12. Whilst queuing up outside Villa Park before a tense FA Cup semi-final
against Tottenham, a fellow Red remarks what a nice day it is. You;
a) wholeheartedly agree about how good it is to be outside on such a
glorious day, before casually engaging in light-hearted conversation about
the game, team selection and your hopes on progressing to the final.
b) politely agree via an unspoken nod and then quickly turn away before your
inherent nervousness and social ineptitude becomes apparent
c) tell him to get fucked because he's never been to Anfield and is just
envious of your fist (sp) class honours degree, your lucrative small
business, hot wife, huge cock and hulking mass of a father who is much, much
bigger than his dad. Before waking from a coma three days later because
you're a slow-running, glass-jawed, piss-weak coward.
13. In the dead of night, you are sometimes awoken in a cold sweat by the
terrifying prospect of;
a) leaving the next generation with a legacy of a world plundered of it's
natural resources and facing an uncertain future of climate change and
ecomonic uncertainty
b) life without internet porn and Usenet
c) the Gatlin boys
14. Your favourite aftershave is;
a) Polo Sport by Ralph Lauren. It's warm florals complement your natural
pheromones, whilst it's sporty undertones create just a hint of doubt about
your dubious sexuality.
b) Aftershave? You have no need for aftershave given you seldom leave your
PC / bedroom and rarely bathe. Whatever next - toothpaste?
c) Calvin Klein's Cowardice for Men. Very small fucking men...
15. You go out for Tapas at a new local restaurant that's been receiving
rave reviews. What do you order from the menu;
a) The tempura Jamaican prawns and the ginger scallops with limegrass. You
enjoy a refined palette that appreciates the finer things in life, and a
bank account that affords you the luxury of choosing. Should be delicious.
b) Whatever the resident fat Spanish waiter recommends. You're convinced he
can do no wrong and don't have any informed opinion of your own to fall back
on.
c) Tapas? Order from a restaurant? Like fuck! There's no bleeding way you'll
be going out in public where people might see you or where the sun might
burn your pasty complexion. No sirree bob - you'll stay at home in your room
and let mum cook you some bangers and mash like every other night of your
miserable, cowardly existence.
How did you score?
Mostly A's
Sorry old mate, but you're not even in the ball park. An intense course of
electro-magnetic therapy involving the consumption of dangerous amounds of
mind-altering drugs, a minor labotomy, and interference from a local priest
or uncle are the bare minimum requirements you will need to embark on if you
are ever to approach a life of ZAL-dom. Must try harder.
Mostly B's
Close, but no salami. You've got some promising effeminate inclinations, but
are still far too brave to be ZAL. There's undoubted Mong Brother potential
in you, but you'll need to forfeit your remaining social & hygiene skills,
as well as your capacity for rational independant thought if you ever intend
on reaching the zenith of cowardice that is ZAL. You can start by buying
some more Kenny Rogers records - preferably over the internet so you don't
have to make eye contact with the girl at the counter, you terrified
gobshite in the making...
Mostly C's
Congratulations - you are ZAL! Now fuck off before someone spots you, you
shrivelled little fraction of a man. You have the spine (and genitals) of a
jellyfish, and even less chance of a sexual encounter with a living female.
Every word you say is disbelieved because you are so instantly noticeable as
a lying, shite-talking coward. Now type out a dribbling response claiming a
*TILT* and fuck off under your desk before some shadow has you shitting your
pants again, you shrinking-balled, yellow fucking pansy...
How can you be devoid of social contact and contemplating another lonely sat
night when you have a girlfriend to go out with. Talk about contradiction.
Falls at the first fence.
Thick as pig muck our Wango, must be a notherner or scottish.
"Wango Poring" <[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]> wrote in message
news:ga8mre$lld$[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]...
"gram" <[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]> wrote in message
news:48c7e571$0$665$[Only registered and activated users can see links. ].uk.uu.net.. .
You slow, simple fuck david. You've not changed at all, have you lad?
no one gives a fuck you tedious TWAT <[Only registered and activated users can see links. ].uk> wrote in message
news:[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]...
"gram" <[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]> wrote in message
news:48c8e5bd$0$662$[Only registered and activated users can see links. ].uk.uu.net.. .
Whatever porous cylinder will you jam up your arse next?
Today
Sponsored Links 
Linear Mode
Similar Threads 
